Dear God, America. We used to go to the moon.

Do you remember when Glee was about misfits trying to survive on the fringes of society? No? How about they were a bunch of assholes who went to a high school full of straw men? Or perhaps you recall the time when we didn’t need to resort to crude literary devices such as this line of faux questioning? Really, what we’re trying to say is that this episode is all about the persecution that Glee clubs endure from rival Glee clubs. It is a powerful message.

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Glee returned from a lengthy hiatus to deliver us their most offensive episode to date. Seriously, we have been doing this for years and we couldn’t believe what we were seeing.

We will start with Glee choosing to give us some quality time with Becky, because they wrote her a whole subplot. Right after the credits, we get a shot of Becky at her locker, and a voiceover of her internal dialog. It was at this point that we stopped the video, and checked to make sure that our sketchy internet copy of the video wasn’t corrupted, and sadly, it wasn’t. This is actually what happened on the show. Instead of Becky’s actual voice, the producers chose to use the voice of Helen Mirren.

Take a minute and just soak that in.

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When Glee began it was supposed to be about a group of underdogs, misfits, and castoffs coming together in spite of their difficulties, and expressing themselves through music. It didn’t really work and it still sucked ^[1], but that is what it was about. Now, the school has become really chill, accepting three openly gay students. The district elected a mechanic to congress based on his pro arts education campaign. Throughout this episode, the Glee Club is given every possible unfair advantage to win Sectionals to the extent that they can’t possibly fail. In other words, all the external conflict has been eliminated and all that is left is a bunch of shallow, entitled, arrogant teenagers bickering amongst themselves. As always, we examined this mess to see what jokes we could make. Here they are. Read More »

This episode started with a shocking twist—do you remember that slap that Santana gave to Finn? Well, Glee fucking followed up on that shit. We would have bet money that little plot element would have been discarded to the “Artie’s Legs” pile, but apparently the writers thought they could execute something truly awful based on that slap, and execute they did. They took all the emotion and meaning that could have been gleaned from this situation, made it kneel down, and shot it in the back of the head, disposing of the pistol in a storm drain. OK, that may be a bit of an exaggeration, but the Schue/Shelby/Santata/Finn/Figgins meeting was a pretty awful little scene, containing everything we hate about each of those characters. Bottom line is this: Finn has a lesson plan for both Glee clubs, and it involves Santana. What is this lesson plan? We can’t tell you yet, because this review is chronological. More pointedly, how does he get to just set lesson plans all of a sudden?

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The previous episode depicted Finn apologizing and reconciling things with Santana, Britney and their offshoot Glee Club, the Trouble Tones. However, the “here’s what you missed on Glee” guy tells us that “everyone is mad at each other. They just are, damn it!” This established a common Glee theme that would be present throughout the episode: Just telling the audience what to think instead of actually telling stories ^[1]. Remember that bit where Finn apologized to Brittany and company, and they had a tender reconciliation? Of course you don’t, because the announcer dude said that didn’t really happen. We’ve always been at war with Eastasia.

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This episode was especially stupid and boring, so we had a difficult time writing this review. It took several attempts.

Draft 1: Oh, God. Gross. Just gross. Weird and awkward. Ugh.

Draft 2:

Glee wrote an episode about sex
that assaulted our cerebral cortex
They came up with the plot
right on the spot.
There was no thought
There was some awkward shit with Bieste
that didn’t make sense in the least
Rachel fucked Finn with a strap on
and we decided to get our rap on.

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This week, as the Glee producers were going down their list of ethnic and cultural groups to mock, they noticed a glaring omission. “How have we not mocked the Irish yet?” “I don’t know, but let’s overcompensate for it”. And verily, they overcompensated the fuck out of it.

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