As Glee subtly hints at in the title, this is the episode where they sing original songs. Glee also drops some clues about the origin of the songs in the episode as well. The positive thing is that it gives us an opportunity to unveil our next contest: If you can drink every time a character mentions something about writing original songs without having to go to the hospital in the first half of the episode, we will send you a whole box of buttons. Just kidding. That is way too irresponsible even for us. Anyways, these original songs that Glee is so proud of were actually written by Max Martin. He is the guy who gave the world such great art as the Britney Spears songs “Baby One More Time” and “Oops! I did it Again” as well as numbers performed by the Backstreet Boys, Nysnc, Kelly Clarkson, and Adam Lambert. In other words, instead of waiting for Katy Perry to perform a song, Glee just stepped in and intercepted it, so that they could shit all over it before anyone else got a chance.
The episode begins with the death of the Warblers’ canary that Kurt was in charge of taking care of. Everyone is very understanding and feels sorry for Kurt, except for a single person who suspects him of killing the bird. The entire school rallies to Kurt’s defense, but the single accuser remains steadfast much like Henry Fonda in 12 Angry Men. After the accuser and Kurt make out, Kurt transfers schools because he cannot take the abuse any longer. HAHA! We are just making that up. What an idiotic plotline that would be!
The death of the bird devastates Kurt so much that he wears all black with skulls hanging off his lapel to school. Kurt also sees the somber moment as an opportunity to criticize Blaine for singing too many solos. Apparently, Kurt suspects that the canary was murdered by Paul McCartney, because as a form of vengeance, he does horrible, unspeakable things to the song “Blackbird”. Blaine promptly falls in love with Kurt for no reason whatsoever. After Kurt’s done raping a classic song, Blaine goes on the record as saying he doesn’t want to sing solos all the time, and the rest of the choir bristles at the thought of being included. Following a lot of arguing, the Warblers finally concede to a duet and vote for Kurt to sing it with Blaine at regionals without an audition. OK, it’s not so much a vote as it is a declaration by Blaine, followed by universal support from his Yes Men. Remember when auditions were such a crucial part of the Warblers’ process? Forget it. This is a Ryan Murphy episode, so you can expect a lot of dumb Kurt shit that makes no sense.
After Murphy pulls a reason for the Glee kids to write original songs for the regional competition out of his ass, the Glee kids decide to write original songs. Really, original songs? Yes, original songs. They are going to write their own songs, originally. Not covers, but original songs. A number of students sing some of their own individual efforts. The most offensive of these (and that’s saying something) is when Mercedes, who is overweight and black, sings a song called “Hell to the No”. As you can imagine, there was a lot of head shaking and finger wagging involved in this performance.
In one verse, she explains how people have told her to watch what she eats, so that she doesn’t get diabetes. “Hell to the no!” is her response. Being overweight and an African-American both increase her risk of diabetes, but the FDA is currently conducting medical trials on diabetes’ response to large amounts of ethnic sass, and the initial results are encouraging. Talk to your doctor if you have a history of falling in love with gay guys. Do not take ethnic sass if you are pregnant, or may become fake pregnant, which—let’s be honest—is a constant peril on Glee.
For the record, here is the entire list of things to which Mercedes says “Hell to the No”:
- Momma saying “get your ass out of bed”
- Washing grandma’s nasty hair
- Taking away her tots
- Trying to make her change her weave
- Eating her wheaties
- Coming down with diabetes
- Trying to make her change her eats
At one point, she sings that it’s time for her to “get R-E-S-P-E-C-T”, a reference to the Aretha Franklin song. We’re pretty sure that song was supposed to be advocating respect and equality for women—not the ability to eat poorly, lay in bed all day, and not help out around the house. We may be remembering that incorrectly, though.
Of course, during all of this Sue Sylvester is acting like a complete psychopath, with her behavior inspiring Max Martin’s hit song “Loser Like Me”. Why is Sue still hanging around the hallways of McKinley High? There is absolutely no reason for it. She has been fired as coach of the Cheerios, and is coaching a rival Glee club. She doesn’t appear to teach any classes, but somehow is just always around, committing felony assault and battery.
Hey, remember when Sue discovered that New Directions was going “Sexy” for regionals, and she stated that the judges would be scoring extra for sexy performances? Well, forget all that, that was a whole episode ago. Ryan Murphy makes up his own rules, and so Sue’s team sings “Jesus Is My Friend” in what he probably imagined is a hilarious manner. Possibly this is because he never saw the original, which is much funnier, in that it is funny at all.
The Warblers do their whole performance, which is really not very joke-worthy, except for their introduction, where the announcer states that Dalton Academy is in Westerville, Ohio. This is a full hour and forty-five minutes from Lima, where Kurt lives with his parents. How is he making this commute at the beginning and end of every school day?
New Directions first has Rachel sing entirely by herself at a microphone, giving them the element of surprise, because no one was expecting that at a choir competition. Then comes the insanely popular original song “Loser Like Me.” Let’s break down some lyrics.
All of the dirt you’ve been throwin’ my way
It ain’t so hard to take, that’s right
‘Cause I know one day you’ll be screamin’ my name
And I’ll just look away, that’s rightPush me up against the locker
And hey, all I do is shake it off
I’ll get you back when I’m your boss
I’m not thinkin’ ’bout you haters
‘Cause hey, I could be a superstar
I’ll see you when you wash my car
Here Glee sends a strong message to kids who are not deemed popular: It’s ok. Be yourself….but only if you really talented and can one day be deemed popular. Also, let the bitterness and anger grow, so that when you are the popular one you can do the same things that the bullies do to you now! It is brilliant how Glee advocates the behavior of bullies while doing a song that is supposed to be written for losers.
And our personal favorite:
Yeah, l-o-s-e-r
I can only be who I are
We honestly don’t even know what the fuck to say about that one. Dear God, America. That is some lazy fucking songwriting.
One of the judges of the contest is introduced simply as a “Tea Party candidate and home schooler”. Here is how Ryan Murphy described this character (really, he said this):
“We’ve taken a couple of jabs at the right wing this year, so what I want to do with this character is have someone who Christian kids and parents can recognize and say, ‘Oh look—I’m represented there too!’”
Over the course of the brief couple of minutes this character is in the episode, she does the following.
- Says “I am not a witch”. A jab at Christine O’Donnell, which would have been topical on October 5, 2010, and hack by the morning of October 6th. Note: it is now March, 2011.
- Says that boys shouldn’t sing a duet together because that sends a message that “gay is ok”.
- Questions whether contestants were born in the United States.
- Claims homosexuality is wrong, because it is not in the Constitution.
- Calls President Barack Obama a terrorist.
- Makes a reference to the recounts of the 2000 presidential election, which is a jab that would have been topical and hack a full 11 years ago.
It would have been fine if he were just making fun of Christians and conservatives, but according to Ryan Murphy, this was an actual attempt at representing and including those groups.
When the performances are over, the judges deliberate over the issue of homosexual marriage. We are serious. There was even no real cause of it. They just started debating about homosexuality and we have no idea how it started, or we would tell you and make fun of it. A woman comes out on stage to announce the winners and hilariously utters the words, “My husband is verbally abusive and I have been drinking since noon.” It is just baffling what Ryan Murphy fines funny and what he takes really seriously. What a terrible man.
Speaking of terrible people, after the New Directions win, Blaine and Kurt are seen burying the dead canary in the shallowest grave possible.
Blaine suggests that Kurt is upset because this probably reminds Kurt of his mother’s death, which is a ridiculous thing to say to someone. To this, Kurt responds (and this is a direct quote):
The casket was bigger, but yes. It’s not just that, though. Honestly, I’m upset that we lost at regionals.
We literally hate every character on this show, and are absolutely dreading last 6 episodes. We are aware that this review was completely unfunny, but this was a Ryan Murphy episode and was just too stupid and offensive to feel anything but anger and sadness towards.
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