Do you remember when Glee was about misfits trying to survive on the fringes of society? No? How about they were a bunch of assholes who went to a high school full of straw men? Or perhaps you recall the time when we didn’t need to resort to crude literary devices such as this line of faux questioning? Really, what we’re trying to say is that this episode is all about the persecution that Glee clubs endure from rival Glee clubs. It is a powerful message.
Anyways, this episode is Michael Jackson themed, because THE WORLD TOUR OF THE CIRQUE DE SOLEIL TRIBUTE SHOW IMMORTAL, TO MICHAEL JACKSON, IS COMING TO A CITY NEAR YOU[1]. This is the worst, most useless product placement that we’ve ever seen in this show, and we’ve seen some bad stuff. Having determined that their win at regionals was due to their performance of “Man In the Mirror”, they decided that the only way to win at sectionals would be to do another Michael Jackson song. It is odd how scientific their view of Glee competitions is, especially given all the things that they purport to effect their chances:
| Things that win Glee competitions | Things that lose Glee competitions |
| Dancing | Too Much Dancing |
| Solos | Too Many Solos |
| Sexiness | Kissing |
| Original Songs | |
| Journey Songs | |
| Michael Jackson Songs | |
| Being able to sing three songs when the competition only gets one |
Glee clubbing is a complex sport, much like seal clubbing. Except instead of adorable seals, you use blunt instruments to beat helpless pop songs into a bloody, unrecognizable pulp, and then sell the mangled carcasses on iTunes.
Anyways, it’s all going great, with this Michael advantage they’re a shoo-in, but look out: it’s Sebastian, the evilest gay! He has learned of their plan, and is ALSO going to do a Michael song at sectionals! Holy shit, this is just like the time that exact thing happened to the New Directions, and they just chose another song to sing and it was fine. Except this time, it’s war, for no reason. Schu asks them “What would Michael Jackson do?”, and somehow, not a single one of them makes a pedophile joke. This is the first time that Glee has ever passed up an easy joke like that, and weirdly, we respect it. Anyways, they are sick and tired of getting picked on by rival Glee clubs, and it’s time to take a motherfucking stand. And by “stand”, we mean a weird, sexually aggressive performance with the rival Glee club in a parking garage. Because that’s what the conflict in this show has become. At the end of the song, Sebastian throws a slushy in Blaine’s face, and the Warblers slink away as Blaine lies there, screaming in agony. Please note: almost every act of violence in this show has been perpetrated by a gay character.
The next day, Kurt brings the news of Blaine’s injury: his cornea is scratched, and he has to have surgery. Schu comments, “In all my years as a teacher, I’ve never seen such a ridiculous plot point”. Haha, just kidding, he said that he’d never seen a slushy “do that kind of damage”. In the face of the club’s anger, Will urges them to avoid vigilante justice (likely in the form of a catchy song and dance number), and to let the system handle things. Artie proceeds to lose his shit. You see, Dalton is “old school”, and they’re going to protect their own. This would make total sense if Dalton were a prison gang, and not an all-boys high school that just loves to dance. He goes on to moan about how the rest of the world throws slushies at them, throws them in dumpsters, and tells them that they are losers. Of course, he neglects to mention that the outside would has been perfectly polite in this episode, and it is now another Glee club that’s doing the bullying. The irony was literally fogging up the lens[2].
Oh, hey, we almost forgot about that whole Finn-Rachel proposal thing. Rachel didn’t, though, and she goes to Quinn for advice. After hearing Rachel’s emotional dilemma, Quinn smiles understandingly and hands her a piece of paper. Is it an answer to Rachel’s question? No, of course not, it’s Quinn’s Yale acceptance letter, because none of these selfish kids care about each others problems. Quinn helpfully notes that she dated Finn, Puck, and Sam, and is now over them, and doesn’t want to drag an “anchor from her past into the bright lights of her future”. This is an awfully mature outlook for someone who, mere months ago, planted HOT SAUCE[3] in a woman’s apartment in a desperate bid to get her baby back, followed by a failed attempt to get Puck to impregnate her. Basically, we’re saying that she’s made the worst decisions of anyone on this show, and possibly, just possibly, she’s not the best one to be giving advice.
Now that Blaine has been mortally wounded by a slushy, Kurt expresses a desire for payback, and Santana offers to help by proposing a wacky revenge plan that the writers probably thought was pretty funny. However, Kurt is stronger than that. He is strong enough to put his foot down, and say No. No, he will not violently abduct Sebastian, take him a tattoo parlor, and have some hilarious tramp stamps forcibly tattooed on him in violation of many state and federal laws. You see, he’s “fought against violence at this school for too long”. Which is weird, because we just remember him getting shoved into a locker once. If that’s all it takes to fight against violence, then there are some 7th graders out there who are goddamn heroes. However, Santana does have a plan to get back at him, and we bet it will be stupid. More on that in a bit.
Meanwhile, there’s that whole NYADA thing that’s going on, and so Burt (Kurt’s alliterative father) shows up one day with a letter. Is it? Could it be?! YES! Kurt is a finalist, causing him to bust into his tears, and causing his father to give a little speech about he’s the best human being in the entire world because he once got shoved into a locker, then transferred schools, and then came back. Also, he is just a finalist. We don’t know much about this imaginary school’s admission policies, but we like to imagine that being a finalist there is akin to being a finalist in the Publisher’s Clearinghouse sweepstakes. That would make this scene hilarious, as opposed to it just being a scene with Kurt getting jerked off by his dad, while crying tears of joy. Kurt runs off to tell Rachel the news that he has not yet been rejected, and they both cry some more, because she hasn’t gotten a letter on non-rejection yet.
Also, Blaine is apparently an invalid. We’re just gonna skip over that.
Santana heads over to Warbler country to have a showdown with Blaine. Of course, this confrontation takes the form of a mano-a-mano[4] duel. If this sounds pretty awesome and exciting, you clearly haven’t been paying attention to the show, because by “duel”, they mean “duet”. At the end of the performance, Santana insists that she was better, while Sebastian maintains that he was better. This is why sing-offs are worse than duels: if the contestants are alive at the end, how do you know who won? This is also the intrinsic problem with Jeopardy. Anyways, Sebastian tells her that he put rock salt in the slushy, and then throws a more conventional slushy in her face.
Uh-oh, there’s a twist: Santana strapped a tape recorder to her underboob! We’re not exactly sure what she said after that, because we zoned out for a while, but when we snapped out of it, Kurt was giving a speech about how you can’t go looking for payback all the time. Or, apparently, justice in the face of premeditated assault. Here’s the thing, though: if Michael had paid attention to all the haters, he wouldn’t have had the time to fuck all those kids[5]! Just think about that for a minute. It’s cool, though, because Kurt has a plan to win over the Warblers. We’d love to tell you about it, but then Santana talked about her boob again, and we kinda lost touch with the show a little bit, because we are both seventh grade boys just entering puberty. When we came to, Finn and Rachel were singing a song that convinced her to enter into a doomed high school engagement. However, this will be a great cautionary tale to someday tell to their children on alternating weekends.
As for Kurt’s big plan, here it is: sing at them. I know they’ve already tried this technique twice within very episode, but this time it’s sure to work, because there are 5 minutes left, and that’s how Glee functions. Kurt explains that they’re going to let the Warblers do Michael, even though they don’t understand Michael. You know who really understands Michael? The New Directions, that’s who. They prove this by singing “Black and White”, in the whitest manner possible. Also, their performance contains neither McKauley Caulkin, nor lions. They did have the creepy face morphing montage, though.
In the end, they don’t give the tape to the authorities, they just tell everyone about the rock salt. Everyone, that is, except the authorities. Which, if you think about it, is the mature approach: make sure it’s all the gossip in the show choir community, and don’t report it to the police.
The real message of Michael? Don’t snitch.
