After years of teaching high school Spanish, Will enters himself into a night class to learn the language from Ricky Martin. Unfortunately, Ricky was only able to teach the class one word before disappearing into irrelevance. Just kidding. Actually, it turns out that Ricky is pretty passionate about teaching Spanish and loves music. He stresses the importance of learning Spanish and suggests that Will use music to help his students learn Spanish. Not his actual Spanish class though, but the Glee Club. Will invites Ricky to come in to sing and kick off a week of all Latino music. This is a cool idea and Ricky chooses the great Latin American hit “I’m Sexy and I Know It” by LMFAO. It’s Latin because he counts off in Spanish before starting.

Elsewhere, Sue needs some semen and she needs it fast. She gathers together all the Glee Club students and asks them to masturbate for her. They try to act uncomfortable about this, but they were all clearly kind of into it. When she tells Artie that he can’t participate because of his handicap, he takes offense and cries “I was in an accident!” as he quickly zipped up his pants, making sure that no one saw what just happened. We saw it and it’s fine. Sometimes people get off on some strange sexual stuff. This was one of the moments of the episode that we actually appreciated because of its honesty. Mr. Schuester comes in just in time to cool things down. At this point, Sue asks him for some semen as well. She has decided to have a child and didn’t like the looks of the people who were donating at the sperm bank. Not really a shock there. If you are selling bodily fluids for money, your life is most likely not in a great place. Emma angrily confronts Sue about asking her fiancé for his semen. To this Sue responds about how pure and kind Will is and how she wants him to be the father in case “goodness and optimism are genetic”.  The fact that Will was not her first, but her seventh choice even after she went to the sperm bank somewhat lessened the emotional impact of this speech ^[1]

Because of her impending child, Sue also wants the tenure position. Shockingly, she has also hit a snag with complaints. After an incredibly offensive debut episode, the black synchronized swim coach is back to be a detractor of Sue. She has a whole plan to unseat Sue as the cheerleading coach and she gets to boss Sue around because her swim team won Nationals last year. Why does the swim team coach want to coach cheerleading? How many teams at this school went to Nationals last year? Why has Glee committed so fully to this character that is entirely predicated on the joke that black people can’t swim? Why would a loving God allow such awful television? We won’t attempt to answer these questions. Some things in life are uncertain. For the sake of our peace of mind and harmony with each other, it is important for all of us to not try to explain the unknowable.

One of the plots that Glee has really stuck with for a long time is the Finn 2: Dino Thunder and Mercedes love story. That is not to say that they really commit to it. They just devote a couple minutes each episode to it and then proceed to forget about the whole thing for a while. In this episode, the two lovebirds go to Emma for advice. She gives them a series of unrelated pamphlets before determining that too much communication is their problem. This is sound relationship advice for anyone out there. If you are having trouble with your significant other, as a general rule, you are probably communicating too much. You should probably shut down and keep things internalized and secretive. Emma suggests that they don’t have any contact for a week. This week passes alarmingly fast without either party being checked in on during this important time of growth and discovery. When the week is up, they walk towards each other, undressing each other with their eyes before being interrupted by Mercedes boyfriend, who she still hasn’t dealt with. So another episode passes and still nothing has changed in this relationship. We have to believe that even the writers hate both of these characters so much that even they don’t care what happens next.

We join Rachel, Mercedes, and Kurt who are in bed watching movies. Kurt thanks the girls for hanging out with him while Blaine is recovering. When last we saw Blaine he was in bed watching movies, but if he were to lie in bed and watch movies with other people it would set back his scratched cornea injury by weeks. Those cornea injuries are delicate and finicky things. Also, Kurt talks about having his period, but we will leave that alone, because we’re a little worried about coming off homophobic. Rachel shares the news that she is marrying Finn and the others flip right the fuck out. Kurt grows a beard and dons his sandals and tunic to have a talk with Finn. Using awful reasoning to make his point that is all based on the assumption that Rachel will be a superstar singer, Kurt somehow is able to get Finn to see the light. We think the conversion happened either when Kurt began to draw in the sand or when Kurt gathered up some dirt, spit in it, and made a paste to cover Finn’s eyes. We don’t know, but chalk up another life transformed from a dumb conversation with Kurt.

Despite already yelling at Santana for ratting her out, Sue calmly tells Becky that she knew all along that Becky was the one who wrote a complaint to the principal about her. You’ll never guess how she knew. It’s really quite comical. Get this: she broke into Figgins office and saw that the complaint was written in crayon. “After that, it was elementary. I knew it had to have been a tard!” she proudly declares^[2].

At the Schuster Love Shack, Will is extremely stressed about this tenure position thing and Emma is kind of being a dick about it. She has been communicating throughout the episode through the use of pamphlets. It is an awful way to deal with problems and she continues it by handing him a series of pamphlets. When he confesses that he has concerns about providing insurance for his family, she hands him another pamphlet and Will had understandably had enough. “Can we have a conversation like a pair of adults here? When did you start hoarding pamphlets again? This is serious”. However, the editing tells us that Will is the bad guy here, and so Emma storms out.

It is time for Will to sing for Latin week. He is, for some reason, singing in competition with Ricky Martin, and we’re not sure why. We are also not willing to skip back through the episode trying to suss out the reason. This time, Schu dresses up in a sparkling matador suit and does another offensive portrayal.  Santana becomes upset. She decries his use of offensive stereotypes. We would be on board with this message if this episode didn’t feature the return of the black synchronized swimming joke. Anyway, Will realizes that he does not have passion for teaching Spanish and gives his teaching position to Ricky Martin. Don’t worry, though, Will didn’t have to actually sacrifice anything. He gets to shift right over into a history teaching spot, which still perpetuates the same problem of him not knowing or caring about what he is teaching. Also, this is much like the Christmas episode because it encourages doing the right thing as long as it doesn’t cost you anything ^[3].  In any case, the sentimental music tells us that this is a selfless and powerful moment, so it is. It just is.

Will walks into the cafeteria to find that Bieste is calling Emma a genius. Bieste almost cannot believe how amazing one of her pamphlets is, and she got her husband to get every football team in the Big Ten to order thousands of copies.  It turns out that football players do not wash their balls. They just don’t. It had been a giant problem  across the board. No matter what Bieste and other coaches said, football players would not be made to wash their balls. In a way, we kind of respect them sticking to their guns in this show of solidarity, but come on, guys, why not toss a little soap down there? Emma has created a pamphlet that has changed everything and has broken the dirty ball convictions of football players everywhere. Bieste gushes “I have never seen a teacher whose passion actually saves lives” ^[4]. This pamphlet leads to Emma getting the tenure position. We really didn’t understand this plotline because we spend a lot of time on our balls, but then again we don’t play football^[5].

All this talk of balls has Will in the mood for some make-up sex and by God he gets it by making some apology pamphlets. The first one says “So your fiancé is a jerk?” and then next one says “Congratulations, I love you”. He has a third one that we don’t see and we can only assume that it read “How the fuck did we not get Office Max to sponsor these pamphlets? It’s like Olive Garden all over again!”.

Anyways, this episode is Michael Jackson themed, because THE WORLD TOUR OF THE CIRQUE DE SOLEIL TRIBUTE SHOW IMMORTAL, TO MICHAEL JACKSON, IS COMING TO A CITY NEAR YOU^[1]. This is the worst, most useless product placement that we’ve ever seen in this show, and we’ve seen some bad stuff. Having determined that their win at regionals was due to their performance of “Man In the Mirror”, they decided that the only way to win at sectionals would be to do another Michael Jackson song. It is odd how scientific their view of Glee competitions is, especially given all the things that they purport to effect their chances:

Glee clubbing is a complex sport, much like seal clubbing. Except instead of adorable seals, you use blunt instruments to beat helpless pop songs into a bloody, unrecognizable pulp, and then sell the mangled carcasses on iTunes.

Anyways, it’s all going great, with this Michael advantage they’re a shoo-in, but look out: it’s Sebastian, the evilest gay! He has learned of their plan, and is ALSO going to do a Michael song at sectionals! Holy shit, this is just like the time that exact thing happened to the New Directions, and they just chose another song to sing and it was fine. Except this time, it’s war, for no reason. Schu asks them “What would Michael Jackson do?”, and somehow, not a single one of them makes a pedophile joke. This is the first time that Glee has ever passed up an easy joke like that, and weirdly, we respect it. Anyways, they are sick and tired of getting picked on by rival Glee clubs, and it’s time to take a motherfucking stand. And by “stand”, we mean a weird, sexually aggressive performance with the rival Glee club in a parking garage. Because that’s what the conflict in this show has become. At the end of the song, Sebastian throws a slushy in Blaine’s face, and the Warblers slink away as Blaine lies there, screaming in agony. Please note: almost every act of violence in this show has been perpetrated by a gay character.

The next day, Kurt brings the news of Blaine’s injury: his cornea is scratched, and he has to have surgery. Schu comments, “In all my years as a teacher, I’ve never seen such a ridiculous plot point”. Haha, just kidding, he said that he’d never seen a slushy “do that kind of damage”. In the face of the club’s anger, Will urges them to avoid vigilante justice (likely in the form of a catchy song and dance number), and to let the system handle things. Artie proceeds to lose his shit. You see, Dalton is “old school”, and they’re going to protect their own. This would make total sense if Dalton were a prison gang, and not an all-boys high school that just loves to dance. He goes on to moan about how the rest of the world throws slushies at them, throws them in dumpsters, and tells them that they are losers. Of course, he neglects to mention that the outside would has been perfectly polite in this episode, and it is now another Glee club that’s doing the bullying. The irony was literally fogging up the lens^[2].

Oh, hey, we almost forgot about that whole Finn-Rachel proposal thing. Rachel didn’t, though, and she goes to Quinn for advice. After hearing Rachel’s emotional dilemma, Quinn smiles understandingly and hands her a piece of paper. Is it an answer to Rachel’s question? No, of course not, it’s Quinn’s Yale acceptance letter, because none of these selfish kids care about each others problems. Quinn helpfully notes that she dated Finn, Puck, and Sam, and is now over them, and doesn’t want to drag an “anchor from her past into the bright lights of her future”. This is an awfully mature outlook for someone who, mere months ago, planted HOT SAUCE^[3] in a woman’s apartment in a desperate bid to get her baby back, followed by a failed attempt to get Puck to impregnate her. Basically, we’re saying that she’s made the worst decisions of anyone on this show, and possibly, just possibly, she’s not the best one to be giving advice.

Now that Blaine has been mortally wounded by a slushy, Kurt expresses a desire for payback, and Santana offers to help by proposing a wacky revenge plan that the writers probably thought was pretty funny. However, Kurt is stronger than that. He is strong enough to put his foot down, and say No. No, he will not violently abduct Sebastian, take him a tattoo parlor, and have some hilarious tramp stamps forcibly tattooed on him in violation of many state and federal laws. You see, he’s “fought against violence at this school for too long”. Which is weird, because we just remember him getting shoved into a locker once. If that’s all it takes to fight against violence, then there are some 7th graders out there who are goddamn heroes. However, Santana does have a plan to get back at him, and we bet it will be stupid. More on that in a bit.

Meanwhile, there’s that whole NYADA thing that’s going on, and so Burt (Kurt’s alliterative father) shows up one day with a letter. Is it? Could it be?! YES! Kurt is a finalist, causing him to bust into his tears, and causing his father to give a little speech about he’s the best human being in the entire world because he once got shoved into a locker, then transferred schools, and then came back. Also, he is just a finalist. We don’t know much about this imaginary school’s admission policies, but we like to imagine that being a finalist there is akin to being a finalist in the Publisher’s Clearinghouse sweepstakes. That would make this scene hilarious, as opposed to it just being a scene with Kurt getting jerked off by his dad, while crying tears of joy. Kurt runs off to tell Rachel the news that he has not yet been rejected, and they both cry some more, because she hasn’t gotten a letter on non-rejection yet.

Also, Blaine is apparently an invalid. We’re just gonna skip over that.

Santana heads over to Warbler country to have a showdown with Blaine. Of course, this confrontation takes the form of a mano-a-mano^[4] duel. If this sounds pretty awesome and exciting, you clearly haven’t been paying attention to the show, because by “duel”, they mean “duet”. At the end of the performance, Santana insists that she was better, while Sebastian maintains that he was better. This is why sing-offs are worse than duels: if the contestants are alive at the end, how do you know who won? This is also the intrinsic problem with Jeopardy. Anyways, Sebastian tells her that he put rock salt in the slushy, and then throws a more conventional slushy in her face.

Uh-oh, there’s a twist: Santana strapped a tape recorder to her underboob! We’re not exactly sure what she said after that, because we zoned out for a while, but when we snapped out of it, Kurt was giving a speech about how you can’t go looking for payback all the time. Or, apparently, justice in the face of premeditated assault. Here’s the thing, though: if Michael had paid attention to all the haters, he wouldn’t have had the time to fuck all those kids^[5]! Just think about that for a minute. It’s cool, though, because Kurt has a plan to win over the Warblers. We’d love to tell you about it, but then Santana talked about her boob again, and we kinda lost touch with the show a little bit, because we are both seventh grade boys just entering puberty. When we came to, Finn and Rachel were singing a song that convinced her to enter into a doomed high school engagement. However, this will be a great cautionary tale to someday tell to their children on alternating weekends.

As for Kurt’s big plan, here it is: sing at them. I know they’ve already tried this technique twice within very episode, but this time it’s sure to work, because there are 5 minutes left, and that’s how Glee functions. Kurt explains that they’re going to let the Warblers do Michael, even though they don’t understand Michael. You know who really understands Michael? The New Directions, that’s who. They prove this by singing “Black and White”, in the whitest manner possible. Also, their performance contains neither McKauley Caulkin, nor lions. They did have the creepy face morphing montage, though.

In the end, they don’t give the tape to the authorities, they just tell everyone about the rock salt. Everyone, that is, except the authorities. Which, if you think about it, is the mature approach: make sure it’s all the gossip in the show choir community, and don’t report it to the police.

The real message of Michael? Don’t snitch.

What we care about is when a TV show (such as Glee) sets itself up to be a movement against homophobia, racism, and Mean People, and then goes and makes the entire show based on shallow stereotyped jokes. Our problem is the hypocrisy, not the content.

Here is our firm opinion on comedy:

There are no taboos.

We 100% believe that. There is no subject that is too far, and there is no subject that is off limits. There are only people who approach topics poorly, and people who don’t understand what the actual joke is about.

We’ll give you an example.

In his special “Hilarious”, Louis CK does an excellent joke about fucking a dead kid in a field. That sounds terrible, and us calling the joke “excellent” make us sound like terrible people. But it sounds terrible because we sucked all the funny out of the joke by just stating the premise in a comedic vacuum—and that’s what happens when someone is offended. They state a joke as fact, suck all the funny out of it, and then they make it offensive. It wasn’t offensive when Louis CK said it, it was offensive when some asshole recounted it, because he was an unfunny piece of shit. Watch the original special, and if you’re offended by what Louis actually said, that’s fine. We don’t have to be friends.

The worst thing that someone can do to comedy is to take a joke out of context. Great comics are wholly open and honest on stage, bits come up that aren’t planned, and they aren’t trying to censor themselves. So, when you’re some idiot who went to a Tracy Morgan show and got offended, you got offended because you’re an idiot. In the hundreds of articles that came out of that whole clusterfuck, Tracy Morgan was quoted as “wanting to stab gay kids”. This is 100% true if you don’t have a funny bone in your body. What actually happened was that he was in the midst of a bit about how he thinks that gay people shouldn’t talk with a lisp. And if he son were gay, he’d better come and tell him “like a man”, and not with a lisp, or he would “stab that little nigga”.

This certainly isn’t an open minded joke, and it’s probably not even a good joke, but it certainly doesn’t mean that Tracy Morgan wants to stab gay people. It means that Tracy Morgan says crazy shit on stage, and not all of it is going to be palatable to everyone. The fact that he made that joke does not mean that he’s homophobic, or that he’s prejudiced, or any of the myriad of things that he was accused of. He very well may be homophobic or prejudiced, but not because of that joke. Also, THERE WAS NO VIDEO OF THE JOKE. The entire proof of his homophobia came in the form of a Facebook note posted by someone who was at the show. A fucking Facebook note.

In the weeks after the whole Tracy Morgan thing, bloggers clearly got the message that taking comics out of context was going to give them mad page views. So then Jo Koy did a show in Chicago, used the word “faggot”, and then another shitstorm started. I actually know the guy who opened the show, and he wrote a very interesting blog post about the whole thing, which you can read here. Scroll down to Wednesday (and especially the end of the post) for his account of the whole stupid incident.

Here’s what really bugs me the most: that Glee is so willing to make certain topics taboo, while also protecting their own shitty jokes under the umbrella of comedic license. They are setting fire to this umbrella that we love so much, and we we’re just trying to kick them the fuck out from under it.

Great comedy is raw, uncensored and honest. If it ever becomes hesitant or guarded, then it has lost everything that makes it great. In trying to guard comedy, you are killing art. Stop killing art.

We will start with Glee choosing to give us some quality time with Becky, because they wrote her a whole subplot. Right after the credits, we get a shot of Becky at her locker, and a voiceover of her internal dialog. It was at this point that we stopped the video, and checked to make sure that our sketchy internet copy of the video wasn’t corrupted, and sadly, it wasn’t. This is actually what happened on the show. Instead of Becky’s actual voice, the producers chose to use the voice of Helen Mirren.

Take a minute and just soak that in.

Of course, the writers suspected that we might take issue with this, and so Helen Mirren explains this by saying: “in my mind, I can sound like whomever I like, so lay off”. However, we would like to posit an alternative theory: the Glee producers didn’t feel that an actress with Downs could have the range to actually pull off the lines they had written. This is so, so clearly what happened, and we’re shocked that people aren’t up in arms about it. To the Glee producers: if you need to be offensive to people with Downs, please just use the word “Retard”, because it’s way more palatable than this shit. By using another voice, they were saying that Lauren Potter—an actual person with downs—is not good enough to play a character with downs. What the fucking fuck^[1].

Anyways, Helen Mirren says she’s the “hottest bitch at McKinley”, and that she wants to get all up on Artie. Artie, as you might expect, is taken aback at first, but he relents to her wiles, and they have a nice little dinner at Please Olive Garden Just Sponsor Us Already. The rest of the Glee club gets all condescending about this, and Artie gives them a whole speech about how, as outcasts, they sure aren’t very accepting of others. In fact, it’s a pretty great little speech, and we’re fully on board with it. Would this cause the Glee club to change their ways, and accept this blossoming romance? Of course not, because Artie would never really date Becky. Things come to a head when Becky sends him a naked picture of herself. Of course, Artie realizes that this is a huge deal, and he immediately reports it to a teacher. This would be a great spot to do a little plotline on the dangers of sexting, but that would be too sensible. Tragically, the teacher he reports is to is Sue, who remarks, “she’s got a nice little figure” and “what, you’ve never gotten a racy pic before?”. I guess we see where she’s coming from. What’s the big deal? It’s just a naked picture of an underage mentally handicapped girl! After getting rejected by Artie, Helen Mirren tells us how much it sucks to have downs, which is weird, BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T FUCKING HAVE DOWNS. If we’re really supposed to treat Becky like everyone else, how about you let her actress deliver her own lines? Ugh.

Speaking of terrible plot ideas, Tina says “Mercedes, you still haven’t told us what happened over summer vacation with you and Finn 2: The Scarecrow Walks at Midnight. It is now the middle of January and Finn 2: The Cuckoo Clock of Doom has been back at school for months now, so I think it is time we addressed this. I realize that we are supposed to be a close knit group of friends and it seems like we are kind of dicks for waiting 5 months before even asking you how your summer went, but there you have it.” This prompts a blow-for-blow replica of Grease’s Summer Loving ^[2]. In this episode, this romantic relationship is revisited. It follows the classic love story model: A torrid fling separated by distance, but then quickly reunited. Then it lays dormant for 5 months and is revisited for narrative reasons in the midst of a floundering television season.

With Finn 2: My Hairiest Adventure now pursuing Mercedes again, she initially refuses him because she has a new boyfriend. Finn 2: Vampire Breath immediately cries racism, and then says that she only likes him because he has a letterman’s jacket. Of course, this prompts him to devise a plan to win back this girl who he finds both racist and shallow. The first step is to approach the basketball coach, who also happens to be Coach Bieste ^[3]. She tells him that all of the teams have been practicing for months and there is no way he could join them this late. However, this line of reasoning does not apply to the synchronized swimming team because they umm are not…it’s just that their sport…is…screw it.  Anyways, this school has a synchronized swimming team? A facility and coach dedicated to artistic swimming? This is probably the wealthiest and most arts friendly school district in America, which makes it the perfect setting for a show about high school kids trying to express themselves and be artistic when everything is against them.

Finn 2: A Shocker On Shock Street’s quest for a letter man jacket leads him to the coach of the synchronized swim team, who is a black woman. She is a black woman who swims. According to a stereotype, black people can’t swim. Ryan Murphy must have thought this was a brilliant comedic idea because he went all-out on it. After making a comment on Finn 2: Ghost Camp’s lopsided nipples, she compares his struggle of having one nipple higher than the other to that of being a black person breaking boundaries in the sport of swimming ^[4]. She then begins to mimic Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have a Dream” speech, in front of some inspiring background music. She proclaims that she had a “dream” to make it to the “promised land” and that she got her “40 acres and a pool”. Pool sounding like mule is another brilliant observation from Ryan Murphy, comedic genius. Let’s review: The day after Martin Luther King Day, Glee aired an episode that mocked his greatest speech in one big joke about black people not being able to swim. Forget for a moments that there is no humor in this joke: how does this show win awards for diversity?

Now if you had a TV show and you wanted a main character to get married, how would you go about it? Consider your answer while we tell you how Glee did it. Emma asks Coach Bieste, “Why are you eating two chickens today?” Coach Bieste reveals that she is consummating her marriage to Cooter Menkins, which happened weeks earlier. She just never told any of her closest friends. Understandably, she was waiting to announce her marriage for that special moment when someone would ask her why she was being such a fat fuck and stuffing her face with chickens. Also, she proposed to him at a Taco Bell. Remember when there was that whole joke where Bieste was seemingly talking about having sex with Cooter, but was actually talking about lifting weights? Glee thought that was a good enough gag to use again, except that this time, she is eating the chicken in celebration. We look forward to the divorce episode, where she will eat two chickens in sorrow.

To express her excitement at her friend’s news, Emma mopes, “I don’t think Will is ever going to marry me.” Next, Emma “sings” a song, during which she accidentally proposes to Will. His response is to run to the Glee room to tell them that he has the idea of proposing to Emma and needs to come up with a way to do it^[5]. You know, because the Glee club is like his family. You remember that really supportive father from “Acafellas”? Well, forget about him. He died or something. Our suspicions that Mr. Schuster has no male friends in his life are confirmed when he desperately asks Finn, one of his high school students, to be his best man. This was really weird, but then it got weirder. His reasoning was that Finn would make sure he didn’t do anything too crazy at his bachelor party. You know, like making sure he doesn’t drink too much, have sex with a stripper or invite any high school students

Next, Finn announces that he is thinking of joining the army. Finn’s stepdad opposes this idea for the best possible reason: he wants Finn to be in charge of his shop while he is busy being a congressman. When Finn states that he just wants to follow in his real father’s footsteps, it is revealed that his father did not die in Iraq, but instead died of a drug overdose in Cincinnati. He became addicted to drugs while on active duty ^[6] and then never returned to his family. Finn’s plan to join the army and the tearful revelation about his drug addict father happens over the course of a few minutes in an episode with about 10 other things happening. What should have been a huge moment ^[7], is unceremoniously forced in with no impact at all.

When Will asks Emma’s parents permission for the marriage, they refuse on the grounds that Emma is too crazy for him. What they are looking for in a suitor for their only daughter is someone much, much worse. They are holding out hope for a depressed alcoholic. Violent, if they are lucky. Will takes their concerns to heart and begins to question whether he wants Emma to be his wife. His concerns are so serious, in fact, that it would take something just incredibly dumb and nonsensical to make him change his mind.

Luckily, Finn 2: Deep Trouble has an idea for a proposal that is remarkably dumb, and it changes everything.

• Step 1: Bring Emma to the swimming pool. This is of no significance to Emma or their relationship, but just let this vision unfold.

• Step 2: All the Glee kids will be in the pool singing a pop song while synchronized swimming at the same time. Also, they will have all learned synchronized swimming.

• Step 3: After leaving to change into a white tux, Will will re-enter and inexplicably jump into the pool because fuck that suit. Then he will emerge from the pool and do his proposes.

Of course, this plan does nothing to address his actual concerns about Emma being his wife, but Will finds this plan just too good to pass up. It goes off without a hitch, except for the song, which predictably had some trouble competing against the splashing.

Sure, this is already a sprawling mess of an episode with hollow moments and abandoned plotlines, but apparently one of the writers thought that they could salvage it with a cliffhanger. I’m not sure why they thought this would work, because if we were this episode, we would jump right off of that cliff and end our misery. Anyways, here’s the big surprise: Finn proposes to Rachel. Yeah, that’s right. After jamming Beiste’s marriage and Will’s proposal into a single episode, they figured they might as well get started on a teen marriage plot line.

It is interesting that a show that is supposed to be so progressive keeps depicting marriage as such a lofty and essential life goal. We are tempted to go more in depth on this thought, but we are sure we would just find more reasons to hate everything about this show and our lives.

Now that Sectionals are upon them, William Q. Schuester has decided that it is time to actually figure out what his club will sing at the competition they’ve all been so worried about. Finn wisely steps in to point out that this is misguided. Instead, they should be focusing their attention on bringing Finn 2: The Horror Continues back from Kentucky. This prompts a Rachel and Finn recruiting trip. They go to a strip club to look for him, and are shocked that he is actually working there ^[2].

After a guilt trip from Rachel and Finn, Finn 2: Throne of Bhaal admits that he is ashamed of working at a strip club, but he has to do it because he earns a lot of money, which his family desperately needs. The decision of whether Finn 2: The Witchmaster’s Key can move back to Ohio to be in Glee Club falls to his parents and they concede. In the last five minutes, they have been able to get out of their financial difficulties and don’t need their son’s income anymore. Likely, this is because his father has been making a handsome living driving around in the General Lee and getting in trouble with the law, as he has been doing since the day he was born. It really does beat all you ever saw.

Just as the Glee Club was lamenting how they have no chance at Sectionals, Finn 2: Piano Lessons Can Be Murder walks in and this changes everything. He apologizes for “losing his way”. When he moved with his family and helped to support them, he had really lost sight of his principles of getting attention and being a star. It is decided that Finn 2: The Mystery of the Chinese Junk should sing a song to communicate these complex feelings of contrition, reunion, and renewed hope for Sectionals. The song that perfectly encapsulates this moment is “Red Solo Cup” ^[3]. Mr. Schuester has provided the red cups and beverages to joke about drinking with high school students. The Piano Creeper is seen trying to slip what we would guess is rohypnol into Rachel’s cup. When he fails to do this, he retreats behind the piano where he furiously masturbates and starts evaluating his life. Also, there is this fucking guy:

Though Dalton Academy and McKinley are hours apart, Kurt and Blaine run into Dalton “Warbler” Sebastian at the coffee shop that apparently exists outside of space and time. He informs them that Dalton has already won their own sectional. For narrative reasons, Dalton no longer competes in the same sectional as McKinley ^[4]. In an act of flirtation to provide some contrived tension to the “Klaine” relationship, Sebastian repeatedly dangles his phallus in front of Blaine’s face, as if he were leading a horse with a carrot. When Blaine gets up for another coffee, Kurt and Sebastian argue. Sebastian makes fun of Kurt for looking gay. Even homosexual villains bully Kurt for being gay because, eh, why would the writers need to think of something else?

At Glee rehearsal, Finn 2: The Sign of the Crooked Arrow is no longer ashamed of his stripping. He now utilizes his experience by showing how they need to use sex appeal in order to win. Blaine adamantly refuses to “sell out” and use sex appeal, despite previously being the one who insisted on using sex appeal to win and even gave Kurt “sexy lessons” to aid in the process^[5]. Blaine feels so strongly against this strategy that he gets into a shoving match with Finn 2: Let’s Get Invisible!. We have to say that if this fight came to blows, we just would not care at all who would win, and would just hope that both of them got beaten to a bloody pulp. Finn later approaches Blaine who is blowing off steam with a punching bag. By the way, he is a boxer now and mentions that he started a McKinley Fight Club. It is revealed that the reason for this whole plot was for Blaine to make the world’s most obvious Fight Club joke. But with how often his personality is changing as of late, maybe he is Tyler Durden. What? We can’t make an obvious Fight Club joke too? Fuck you guys.

Mike abandons his dream of dancing because of his father’s opposition. Tina convinces his father to watch him dance. In a shocking twist, his father’s heart is melted and he supports him being a dancer. Here, Glee again takes an opportunity to encourage kids to pursue a career in the arts for all the wrong reasons. There is a lot of talk about being “born to perform” and the inability to be happy doing anything else. In reality, many artists and musicians are very unhappy with their jobs. Part of this reason is that there are many people who follow these pursuits for the competitive and attention seeking aspects promoted on Glee. Ultimately, this philosophy can only lead to disappointment.  Why are so many of the Glee students doing music as a career? Why not promote the arts with an emphasis on the art itself as a means of enriching peoples lives and something that can be enjoyed as an amateur,  no matter what one does to make money. Now that would be an arts education message that you could ride river with ^[6].

Before the sectional performance, McKinley’s other Glee Club, the Trouble Tones, offers to let the New Directions join them for Regionals in the event that the Trouble Tones win. Thus, all rules have been thrown out the window along with any chance the Glee Club had of losing and any drama that this episode’s ending could have had. Further undermining any dramatic potential, the judges of the singing competition are a real judge, a birthday clown, and the DMV’s employee of the month. Why put any stock in what these people say? Also, the New Directions get to perform 3 songs while both of their competitors did 1.  Along with the advantage of bringing in a “star” from out of state at the last minute, these Glee kids got a lot of advantages. Rooting for the New Directions in this episode is like watching Hoosiers and not rooting for the Hoosiers. It was like watching Rocky, but Rocky just gets the shit kicked out of him and loses. However, when the New Directions inevitably win, the victory scene is edited in slow motion and Schuester mouths the words “for you” to Emma. Glee clearly wants the audience to feel something, but we’re not sure what they could possibly be feeling after this. It was like watching Old Yeller, but Old Yeller doesn’t die.

Rachel is concerned that she might have to go to New York without Kurt. Of course, she’s a shoo-in because she was the female lead in the musical. Realistically, there are 18,435 High Schools in the U.S., and if only 25% of them have musicals, and we’re also considering male leads as competition, that means Rachel is one of 9217 students. But it’s OK, she has a letter or recommendation from the former Vocal Adrenaline coach! This might be pretty good for another student, but for Rachel, this just means that she got a letter of recommendation from her Mom. Anyways, don’t worry about it, Rachel is fucking in. As for Kurt, he needs to be class president, or else he doesn’t stand a chance. On a personal note, one of us actually went to school for music, and shit like this doesn’t really matter. It’s all how well you can sing or play. That’s really it. However, we look forward to the tearful Tumblr posts from the leagues of Glee fans who became class president, only to not be accepted to a good music school.

Anyways, Kurt is distressed that the polls are against him, and suggests that he might have to pull a “JFK”—an obscure reference to an alleged act of voter fraud that we had to look up on the internet. Well, we didn’t have to, because Glee tactlessly explained it in an aside^[1], but we figured they were probably wrong about their history, and it turns out that they probably are. Anyways, don’t you worry your pretty little head, this still doesn’t make Kurt a bad guy, because, as he says: “What choice do I have?”. Gee, We dunno Kurt, maybe apply to a couple backup schools?

We know you’ve been wondering about that whole Glee assignment, and here it is: “Lady Music Week”. Music created by ladies, and for ladies! Spoiler alert: this description does not turn out to be wholly accurate^[2].  Have you ever heard Pink’s “Perfect”, and thought “This is great! There is so little art in it, but could there be less?” Well, you’re in luck, because Kurt and Blaine did exactly that. In this shallow anthem about people not understanding you, Kurt is clearly singing from his heart, having had a good portion of his sweater bullied off on the way to Glee practice.

Somehow, this tender song can’t melt Santana’s heart. It is too early in the episode for that, so she quips the shit out of it. Next, we get to hear Sue go through a list of sexual candidates. You see, her campaign has been damaged by accusations that she is a lesbian, she must now find her own Marcus Bachmann. After going down a hilarious list of hookups, she finally finds an adequate choice—who is it? Hold your fucking horses, we are going strictly chronological.

After having been treated to this beautiful vignette of Sue as a sexual being, we are now treated to a taste of Beiste’s sexuality. Well, first, we’re treated to a fun little Turducken joke that one of the writers squirreled away in 1993, serving to drive home the fact that Beiste is large, and not particularly feminine. This is followed by a description of her sexual activity from the previous night—just kidding! It’s a joke!It’s just her describing a workout, but she doesn’t get the joke, because she’s so manly and desexualized! But somehow, she has decided that her workout buddy is “the only one”.

Next, Puck sings a song. It makes us sad.

Here’s the thing, though, he sings the song to Shelby, which Quinn notices, and blah, blah, blah Quinn wants to have sex with him. Exhibiting an odd interest in insect-based zoophilia, Puck posits that he would “rather raw-dog a beehive”. In order to better understand this statement, we crafted a visual depiction of this.

To our surprise, this turned out to be kind of a beautiful and serene piece of art, leaving us to question whether even we would rather have sex with Quinn than raw dog a beehive. THANKS, MUCH CHEAPER CLONE OF PHOTOSHOP!

Next, Finn tries to get Santana to admit that his assignment is “pretty cool”. He further explains about how they had sex once, and that the whole point of this thing to to get her to not kill herself. Because now is apparently the time to bring up the gay teen suicide angle. After softening her up with the whole “golly, I hope you don’t kill yourself” bit, Finn drives it home with a weird, weird performance of “Girls Just Want To Have Fun”. Girls desiring a good time has never been this depressing and it makes us a little concerned that Finn himself may be thinking about suicide.

Alright, put that suicide thing in the pile with Artie’s legs, and lets move on to Sue’s new beau: Cooter Menkins. Dun DUN DUN. If you don’t know who this is, good for you, you haven’t been sucked into this thing too deeply. It’s Beiste’s workout buddy, and Beiste is none too happy when she runs into the two of them at “Breadsticks”. Also known as OH GOD OLIVE GARDEN PLEASE SPONSOR US™. Anyways, she’s understandably crushed, but less understandably acts very vulnerable about it, possibly because no one on the writing staff can figure out what this fucking character is all about^[3].

Back on the ranch, it’s election day, and due to issues with the filming schedule, both the Congressional election and Student Council election are held in the same scene. Sue is there, macking all up on Cooter^[4], and that drives Beiste^[5] to sing the White Stripe’s classic “Jolene”.

So, now that Santana is out of the closet, she’s getting some pretty skeevy looks from guys in the hall. We’re not sure how this is different from before when she was a slut, but hey, Glee is clearly telling us that this is unacceptable. To drive the point home, the Rugby captain comes by to offer his penis services. Apparently, the Rugby team is the new Hockey team which was the new Football team. Who’s going to be the next set of bullies, the Tennis squad? Anyways, the rest of the Glee girls show up to sass the shit out of Captain Rugby, and then proceed to sing the title track of this episode “I Kissed a Girl”. No, not the more topical and accurate song by Jill Sobule, the sexy, popular version that will make more money. Look, we’re not going to get into a whole thing about how this was a terrible choice, because there’s a whole internet full of outrage about it. We’ll just leave this here.

We will say this, though: the internet needs to chill the fuck out about this episode. Yeah, it’s awful, but not really any worse than the rest of this season (or last). The main source of this outrage seems to be coming from people incensed at Glee’s decision to trivialize the outing of a gay teenager, but to those people we say: you haven’t been paying attention. Glee has gay characters, but that’s about it. They are not really good characters, and they don’t do anything to advance gay rights, except by making teen girls think that gay dudes are just adorable. If you see Glee as this miracle show that’s changing the world, then it’s understandable that you might be very angry at this episode, but really? You should have seen this coming.

So it turns out Kurt had the most votes in the election, but someone stuffed the ballot boxes! Oh NO! But just a little earlier, Kurt was talking about how he might need to stuff the ballot boxes! Could it have been him? No, of course it couldn’t have been. Kurt has never done anything wrong, and will never do anything wrong. He is the Messiah come again, and he shall redeem you through increasingly ridiculous wardrobe choices. It was Rachel, she did it so that he can get into NYADA. But here’s the kicker, Kurt is going to get in trouble for cheating, and then he for sure won’t get into that school that we’re not going to mention by name again. Oh. No.

Next up, Santana’s already come out to her parents, and they were really chill about it, but her grandmother is pissed. This would probably be a big deal if we ever saw that grandmother ever again in this show. Maybe they will bring her back in an episode where she dies, and the Glee kids can throw a really neato Wonka funeral for her. That would be fun.

In other terrible storylines, Puck’s kid felt and cut her lip, which is pretty terrible for the kid. However, it turns out to be pretty great for Puck, since the sight of a child’s blood apparently causes Shelby’s privates to become engorged, and she leads Puck in a mating dance that ends in coitus. Afterwards, she realizes that this is a really stupid storyline, and tells Puck to leave. He gives this really nice speech about love, which is actually quite moving—that is, until you flip it around and imagine that he’s a 17 year old girl, and she’s a 40 year old teacher. Then you throw up.

Feeling jilted, Puck heads on over to Quinn’s place, where she immediately expresses a desire for Puck to impregnate her. Puck finds this odd, as there is no baby blood on the floor that could excite such passion, and he quickly deduces that she is crazy.

Back in the Glee room, it’s time for a final, tearful montage song, sung by our newly minted Lesbian. During this moving number, we are treated to images of Kurt being very sad about an envelope addressed to NYADA, and Rachel being very sad about some hallway. When the song ends, we find out the twist—it was not that hallway she was sad about! She’s sad because she fessed up to stuffing the ballot boxes, and Kurt is getting off scot-free, but she’s getting a two week suspension! Now, the only way for her to get into that school is for her to donate her hair to locks of love, and then crab walk three miles! Can she do it? TUNE IN TOMORROW. Or better yet, pirate a couple days from now.

We begin with Puck doing a voiceover about how much he loves Shelby. This is a shockingly similar voiceover to every other time Puck has liked a girl ^[2]. Puck tells of how he looks forward to 4th period where Shelby is subbing as an English teacher. This morphs into a Glee Club performance of “Hot for a Teacher”. During this song, Blaine and Mike frequently grab their penises with both hands. Out of all the ways to grab your own penis, this one is the oddest. Think about it and try it at home^[3]. Weird, right? They also put microphone stands between their legs and parade around as if these were their members.

There is a funny moment when Mr. Schuester assumes that he is the teacher they are hot for and leaps up yelling “Wow! Awesome!” Thinking quickly on his feet, Puck diffuses the awkward misunderstanding by saying that he just likes Van Halen a lot.

Puck attempts to pursue Shelby, telling her that he loves her and that he wants to be a father to her baby. She spurns his advances because she would lose her job—her job as a Glee Club director that is not paid by the school, but by a third party. Later, Puck confesses to Shelby about Quinn’s plan to get the baby back. This boils to an emotional climax where Shelby yells at Quinn with as much sincerity as she can muster, “I KNOW ABOUT THE HOT SAUCE!” You gotta wonder how Idina Menzel feels about herself. Once, she had original roles on Broadway in hits like Rent and Wicked and now is trying to keep a straight face and be dramatic while saying, “I know about the hot sauce.”

With political savvy akin to Herman Cain, Sue Sylvester runs smear ads against Burt Hummell, a write-in candidate who voters would otherwise not even know about. These ads are ridiculous, claiming that Burt has a baboon heart and is married to a donkey. However, the ads are not intended to be funny. Instead they are treated with outrage and the utmost severity because the people of Ohio eat this shit up (because we are stupid). Kurt storms into Sue’s office yelling,“PEOPLE ACTUALLY BELIEVE THIS STUFF! OHIOANS ARE STUPID!” Sue explains that she fights dirty because she has a cause: “I hate the arts and…” This is her only cause. This comes just a few episodes after Sue vowed to abandon her anti-arts platform and make her campaign about health care for people like her deceased sister, who had Downs syndrome. Unreal. We are starting to think that this episode might be an alternate timeline. Sue also brings up that Kurt is going to lose the student body president race because he refuses to go negative, and instead he just campaigns for healthy lunches to fight obesity in the school. This is simply not a thing that happened. Remember what we said about Glee just telling the audience what to think instead of actually telling stories? Fuck^[4].

Shelby and Schuester are on good terms and they speak about how they will be going up against each other at sectionals. Apparently, it is just totally cool to enter two teams from one school. Also, weren’t there a few episodes dedicated to a rule about how a team had to have 12 members to compete in a show choir competition? Even with the handful of nondescript extra girls to fill out the Trouble Tones, both teams are quite short. Also, wasn’t the whole point of the Trouble Tones that they gave everyone a chance? Why do they just use the same three girls for every song? Anyway, Shelby and Schuester are concerned about how much their Glee Clubs hate each other, despite being completely congenial last episode. They fear that the kids may be bipolar^[5]. They decide to exploit this negative atmosphere and establish a competition between their teams, in order to get ready for sectionals. Finn, now no longer caring about reconciliation, decides the best way to go about this situation is to try to trash talk to Santana. She informs him that he can’t win in this battle of insults because of the toughness she gained from her rough upbringing. Here, Glee writers forgot that they accidentally wrote her father in as a doctor last season. Sorry, Glee. Do you think we are happy that we know this information? We aren’t.

Before the “Mash Off” contest, the Glee Clubs decide to settle things informally with a game of dodgeball. Everyone participates and it seems to be good fun as people are laughing and running around. It doesn’t appear to be a competitive atmosphere as two players dedicated themselves to wheeling the former football star, Artie, around. Employing a new strategy that, while still poor, makes more sense, the New Directions begin allowing balls to hit them directly in the face without trying to protect themselves at all. After the Trouble Tones win, Santana and a few other girls throw a couple bouncy balls off of Rory’s back. Somehow this makes his nose bleed and Kurt throw a fit. He cannot stand the barbarism of this game that he just fully participated in. Also, shouldn’t he be way more concerned with the danger of these flying leaps through the air?

By the way, those flying leaps are just asking to get hit. You’re on a parabolic flight, your enemy can track your trajectory, and you can’t avoid a ball while in midair, let alone when you’re lying on the ground. Also, how does everyone get hit in the face? Face shots are rare—and frankly, quite foolish. You throw low, that way your opponent has a more difficult time catching the ball. As a side note, if any of you make a Dodgeball movie reference in the comments, we will be very mean to you.

We move to the school presidential debate. Kurt’s motives for running started out as just selfishly wanting to add “school president” to his resume for college applications, but later he appointed himself as a vitally important candidate for future gay students at the school. Then he was anti-obesity, championing healthy lunches. Next, he was praised for never going negative in his campaign, despite yelling about how Rachel needed her jowls airbrushed out of her posters. Now at the debate, he is anti-bullying and anti-dodgeball. He declares that violence is unacceptable. At this point, it’s not even flip-flopping, he’s just going in so many different directions that we can’t even keep track. Britney gives a speech about being anti-tornado. This is incredibly strange because  her campaign started out with her shedding the stupidity label and being all about empowering women. Glee had to shoot this down because it meant that positive attention would be going somewhere besides Kurt. This is the same as when they destroyed the Karofsky storyline when it became more compelling  than Kurt’s. Rachel concludes the debate by endorsing Kurt because he is the only one who never went negative. Oh yea, forget about how he called Rachel a sociopath for wanting to be school president ^[6].

The end is really unbelievable even by Glee’s standards. After the dodgeball match, Finn and Santana have another argument in which Finn says “Hey Santana, why don’t you just come out of the closet?” He thinks the reason she is mean to everyone is that she won’t admit that she is in love with Britney. Well, a senate candidate had a niece who over heard this high school student calling another high school student gay, and he decided to base his entire campaign on this. He runs an ad that slams Sue Sylvester for allowing someone who a high school student called gay to be a cheerleader ^[7]. The ad also doubles as a pizza commercial and features a gavel repeatedly hitting a pizza ^[8]. Again this seems like it should be played for laughs, but it is met with complete seriousness. Fingers are pointed, tears are shed, and Mr. Schuester, who is not even Santana’s Glee director or connected with her in anyway, is called in for a meeting to comfort her. Also, Burt is there. You know who isn’t there? Her Parents. Or Figgins. COME ON.

After the Trouble Tones slaughter a few Adele songs ^[9], Santana and Finn argue again. Santana blames him for outing her, while Finn says that “Everyone in the school knows and they don’t care!” This school apparently has made a joint decision to be alternatively accepting and awful toward gays. Last time they were terrible, so it is time to be nice again. It is also time for Finn to get slapped for saying something that someone overheard.

Remember kids, violence is never the answer. Unless the question is “I’m gay and sometimes people aren’t nice to me. In that case, shove people into lockers, intimidate them, and above all: slap the ever loving shit out of them.

Draft 1: Oh, God. Gross. Just gross. Weird and awkward. Ugh.

Draft 2:

Glee wrote an episode about sex
that assaulted our cerebral cortex
They came up with the plot
right on the spot.
There was no thought
There was some awkward shit with Bieste
that didn’t make sense in the least
Rachel fucked Finn with a strap on
and we decided to get our rap on.

Draft 3:
The episode begins with Artie detailing how he has found his “true passion”: being a dick to everyone as director of the musical. We get a montage of him being an asshole about everything. Later, he will say that due to his handicap, this was the first time he has ever felt like a man. It is a very troubling and dangerous way to psychologically handle his situation. Throughout the episode, the power goes to his head and he teeters on the edge of completely going off the rails. In a shocking twist, no on slaps the shit out of this bastard. Instead people are quite grateful and call him a genius. That’s where it always starts. At first, everything’s great, the trains are running on time, and before you know it—BAM, eugenics.

One of Artie’s first acts is to tell Rachel and Blaine that they need to lose their virginity in order to be able to portray their characters in West Side Story. When he does this, Coach Bieste, who is co-directing the musical, becomes uncomfortable because she is also a virgin. Later, Artie confronts her about it. She confides in him about how she has feelings for an Ohio State football recruiter, who will conveniently be at their school this week ^[1]. Artie also talks to this recruiter about his personal life and romantic feelings for Bieste. Again, it is fine for him to talk to an unrelated adult about things of this nature. The recruiter is happy to confide in Artie that he does, in fact, love coach Bieste. It is clear that Glee wants to do something important with Bieste, portraying a woman who isn’t “girly”. However, their attempt is so ill-conceived and misguided that throughout this episode she is depicted not as someone who lacks traditional or stereotypical beauty, but as someone who is gross, stupid, clueless, and unhygienic.

Blaine takes a two hour drive during a weekday in order visit to his old school. Finding an impromptu Glee Club performance happening, he joins in. During the performance, a hot lady librarian type comes by. Initially, she is annoyed and shushes them, but then she sort of gets into it and starts dancing. To be honest, this really appeared to be a prelude to some type of gang bang porno. Needless to say, we were quite relieved when this turned out to be correct.

When all the cleanup was finished, Blaine was approached by a new guy. He introduces himself as Sebastian saying, “Hello. My name is Sebastian. I’m attractive, highly sexual, and vaguely European. I have come to drive a wedge between you and Kurt to provide drama and tension for an otherwise perfect and inhuman relationship.”

Sebastian does just as he promised, offering sex to Blaine at every turn. Blaine insists that he has a boyfriend and doesn’t want to spoil that. After Sebastian procures some fake IDs for Blaine and Kurt, the three of them go to a gay bar. As Sebastian dances with Blaine, Kurt runs into his old bully, Karofsky, who has transferred to a new high school. Karofsky is a frequent patron of the gay bar and calls himself a “bear cub”. It is interesting that after devoting so much time to Karofsky and having an opportunity to do a real storyline with him coming out of the closet, Glee just decided to dismiss him and only revisit him here in this seedy gay bar for a few fleeting moments. While in the gay bar, he is no longer hiding the fact that he is gay. However, he is wearing a hat to conceal the fact that he is a balding 30 year old. It is a difficult and complex role: a 30 year old pretending to be a 17 year old pretending to be a 21 year old.

Blaine knocks back a single beer over the course of the entire night, which is apparently enough to put him on the verge of alcohol poisoning. He stumbles out of the bar shouting nonsensically, and Kurt, the DD, tells him to lay down in the back of the car for when he throws up. It is here that Blaine attempts to have sex with Kurt. With righteous indignation, Kurt screams how he doesn’t want the first time to be like this because Blaine is so drunk he won’t remember a thing. How do you portray your character as a high school student drinking responsibly, but still making the poor choices that come with extreme inebriation? This is how.

Meanwhile, Rachel has also taken to heart Artie’s creepy acting notes. She agrees to come over to Finn’s place, which is conveniently all to himself for the week. He cooks her dinner and offers to get her dessert, but she refuses. Instead, she lays down on the floor in a position known in the animal kingdom as “presenting”.  Finn goes in for the kill, but he stops and wants to know why Rachel wants to have sex now. She wisely tells him that it is to make her a better actress for the musical. Despite being a horny teenage boy on the cusp of the promised land, he somehow gives a shit as to why he is on the cusp of the promised land. Crushed, he storms out like a little bitch.

Blaine and Rachel are now in crisis because they will have to perform the first show without having had sex.  We have to say that we think that Artie really missed an opportunity here to move in on Rachel to, eh hem, help her prepare for this role.  That may sound callous, but if you are going to coerce a girl into having sex, why not have it be with you?

The show receives an immediate standing ovation from a sold out crowd. The musical has sold out all three of their shows. This town may actively protest the school having any arts, and support a candidate whose only platform is anti-arts, but goddammit, who doesn’t love West Side Story?^[2]

After the show, Blaine and Kurt decide to declare their love for one another and have sex in a very non-specific montage of cuddling. Rachel visits Finn, who is downtrodden. The scout did not want to recruit him to be a quarterback one of the elite college football programs in the country. The realization that he is not one of the very best of the best in the country, is too much for his emotions^[3]. And while Finn’s principles could not allow him to have sex to improve Rachel’s acting, he is not above accepting sexual favors in order to cheer him up after this devastating news.  This is when Rachel got out the strap-on. If anything else happened after this, we were too drunk to watch it.

You may have wondered “Hey, I wonder what the writers are going to do with Damien, the Irish kid from the Glee Project?” If so, go outside and climb a tree or something, because your life is making us sad. Why would you wonder that? You don’t even have a blog to wonder about it on. Anyways, the writers put on their thinking caps, and decided that he would play “Rory Flanagan”, a foreign exchange student from Ireland. Also, they would have him sing the Muppet classic “It Ain’t Easy Bein’ Green”. Apparently their thinking caps are beanies with propellers on top.

Now, we have to say right up top: if an Irish foreign exchange student had come to a real high school, he would instantly become the most popular kid in school. An Irish kid with an accent? And he can sing? All the women would be trying to sleep with this guy, and also a good percentage of the guys. But of course, this is Glee, so he’s bullied pretty badly. You remember that one time that Kurt got shoved into a locker? Well, the same thing kinda happens to Rory, but way, way, way worse.

One might think that Rory would eschew green clothing, and try to fight the xenophobia, but here’s the catch: Brittany thinks that he’s a real Leprechaun. You know, because she’s stupid. Of course, they’ve struck a deal that if he grants her three wishes, she’ll let him have her “Pot O’ Gold”. Not only is this a terrible euphemism, but it also demonstrates a fundamental lack of understanding about what vaginas are like. Why would you want to jam your dick into a pot of metal coins? I mean, yeah, gold is a very soft and malleable metal, but it’s not that soft. It would probably blunt your equipment pretty badly, and depending on the edges of the coins, couple possibly cause some lacerations. Or possibly Irish penises are made of some sort of metal alloy? That would kind of make sense. We will look into it^[1].

It seems like this is a supremely fucked-up true love story, but wait—there’s a twist! Remember Santana and her whole lesbian thing? That’s totally back on. Get ready to open your fucking minds, America, because your ideas about lesbians are about to be rocked by these extremely attractive and highly sexualized cheerleaders! Santana has picked up on Rory’s plan, and she’s not too excited about the thought of someone else getting all up in Brittany’s Pot O’ Gold^[2]. So she forms a plan, a plan to be really mean to Rory and make him help her. We have no idea why this plan worked.

So, Sue Sylvester is still running for congress, on the platform that she’s going to abolish arts education in Ohio schools, remaining blissfully unaware that as a member of the U.S. Congress, she will have no power over state education policy. Possibly she meant to run for the Ohio Senate, or possibly the Lima School Board? Anyways, she puts pressure on Figgins, forcing him to cancel the musical. BUT WAIT. It’s back on, because Kurt’s Dad, Burt, got a bunch of funeral directors to give them the money for it. Where was this generosity when the kids were selling pot brownies in order to be able to afford a special bus for Artie? Who knows. Also, if your name is Burt, how do you name your kid Kurt? Why the fuck would you want your kid’s name to rhyme with yours? Also, that’s a tough tradition to keep going, because good luck finding another name that rhymes with Kurt. I think “Lurt” is about the best you’re gonna do.

Anyways, Burt decides to run against Sue, because there is apparently a disease killed all the real politicians in Ohio. In a shocking twist, the writers bow to some semblance of reality, and recognize that it’s far too late for him to officially enter the race. So, he must run as a write-in candidate. But how will he publicize his campaign? Oh, of course, he’ll just go on TV, because campaign laws dictate that TV stations must give equal time to all candidates, even write-in ones. Oddly, this turns out to be not true^[3].

Meanwhile, in other terrible storylines, blah, blah, people don’t appreciate Santana and Brittany and Mercedes so they’re in their own Glee club for some fucking reason. Everyone’s pretty down about the whole thing, so Blaine takes it upon himself to remind them what Glee club is all about, using the tender language of song. As it turns out, Glee club is all about “a pounding in my head” and “a stranger in my bed”. Which is odd, because we thought it was about arts education. Apparently it is in fact about a night of debauchery that may very well have ended in neck punching rape^[4].

Here’s a question: if Glee is about Arts Education, how is it that for every fucking song in this episode, we thought to ourselves “this is the most artless thing I’ve ever seen”. “It Ain’t Easy Being Green“, “Last Friday Night“, “Candy Man“. I mean, we’re not going to call a Muppets song artless, but it was originally sung by a frog made of felt. As for “Last Friday Night” and “Candy Man”, they simply took bullshit pop songs with no heart or soul, and proceeded to create a black hole where the soul of those songs should be, thereby proving the existence of dark matter. There is nothing this show has to teach on any level whatsoever, and I don’t know how they get away with this arts education bullshit. Glee promotes Arts Education in the same way that New Years Resolutions promote going to the gym: a lot of emotion and intentions, and then a full year of shame and sadness. So there’s our rant. Back to the episode.

Quinn is still all about getting that baby back, so she plants hot sauce and books on baby sacrifice around Shelby’s place, and then calls social services. Sadly, their baby raids aren’t currently in stock, but Quinn says they should have the baby in two to three weeks. “What, you have this book on baby sacrifice? AND HOT SAUCE? Well, now we have to take your baby and give it to this teenager who has shown no interest in it for a full year. Sorry, that’s just how social services work. MA’AM I AM JUST TRYING TO DO MY JOB HERE DO NOT GET SNIPPY WITH ME. YOU HAVE HOT SAUCE. HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT.”

Puck is pretty reticent about this plan, and goes over to Shelby’s to try and remove all the hot sauce that Quinn left in the apartment. In a stunning turn of events, Shelby whores it up with him a little bit. Now, based on this shocking and unprecedented plot twist, we think that we’ve figured out what’s going to happen next.

SPOILER ALERT. DO NOT CONTINUE READING UNLESS YOU WANT TO KNOW THE CONCLUSION OF THIS STORYLINE.

Clearly, Puck is going to knock up Shelby, but she’s not really prepared to have another child, so she’ll put it up for adoption. Quinn will adopt her baby, and they’ll promptly forget about it for a year or so. Then suddenly, for no reason, Shelby will want her baby back, and in turn, Quinn will want hers. They will go to Puck with this dilemma, expecting him to rule as judge over this matter, but in a shocking twist, he will hide hot sauce in both of their apartments, wait two weeks, and get both babies for himself. Why does he want them? Arts Education, of course.

QED, motherfuckers.

Deeeper Inside of Me

A blog from Ben Palmer, an Atlanta comic. He writes about his Chinese Roommate, working at JoAnn Fabrics, and shit his grandpa says. His grandpa is not funny enough to get a TV show, and that’s too bad.

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A very filthy podcast that is awesome. I didn’t initially think that “two guys talking about shit” would be that funny, but I was very wrong. If you get a recent episode, make sure you check out their glossary so that you know what the hell is going on. Plus, the have occasional celebrity guests, such as Patton Oswalt, Kyle Kinane, Jimmy Pardo and Brian Posehn. Yet another warning: it is gloriously filthy.

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